1. |
You Will Never Log Off
01:18
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If you can count on one thing
It's a comment thread on an article
About someone accused of an unforgivable crime
Devolving into an escalating catalogue
Of torturous revenge ideas
That become more bleakly revealing
About your personal cruelty
Than the original crime, baby
All the things you've said
Will follow you until you're dead
And there's no deleting that
Your epitaph is 'chonky cat'
A vacuous critique to get the attention that you seek
You will never log off
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2. |
Iggy Pop Has Got No Top
01:42
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Iggy Pop does not wear a top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
Iggy Pop, he has no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
Iggy Pop, he has no top
Iggy Pop, where is your top?
Iggy Pop, he needs no top
Iggy Pop without a top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
No, he never wears a top
Iggy Pop won't wear a top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
Iggy never wears a top
What about the top of Iggy Pop?
Does he ever wear a top?
I wonder if he dresses like an ordinary guy
I know him, and he doesn't
I know him, and he doesn't
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
No, he never wears a top
Iggy Pop won't wear a top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
Iggy never wears a top
Iggy, well, is that short for Igbert?
Or is it short for Igward?
Or is it short for Igtopher?
Or is it short for Igmas?
Or is it short for Igthony?
Or is it short for Igthur?
Or is it short for Ignald?
Or is it short for Ignathan?
Or is it short for Igtthew?
Or is it short for Igloo?
Or is it simply Iggy?
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
No, he never wears a top
Iggy Pop won't wear a top
Iggy Pop has got no top
Iggy Pop where is your top?
Iggy never wears a top
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3. |
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Tim Peake
Tim Peake, if you love space so much why don't you marry it?
Tim Peake
Tim Peake, if you love space so much why don't you stay up there?
Just fuck off to space
You're only showing off cos I can't go to space
I'm sick of hearing about that time you were floating in space
And now you won't take your spacesuit off
Tim Peake
Tim Peake, if you love space so much why don't you marry it?
Tim Peake
Tim Peake, I don't even blame you, I was the same when I went to Spain
Just fuck off to space
I don't want to know how it could be, I'll never be in zero gravity
All it does is keep me down and I just want to get away
Tim Peake, don't bother coming back
Tim Peake, you don't need to wear that spacesuit when you are on Earth
That just seems unnecessary
Tim Peake, don't bother coming back
It's shite
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4. |
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Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
Plugging in your landline is like using a ouija board
Using a ouija board
You're opening doors for evil
To come through
To contact you
And when it rings
You process things
But you don't know your number, so
Who could it be from 1993?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
There's a sound from the corner of the room
That triggers a foreboding sense of dread
And when you answer it
If you figure out the crux of it
Even the caller sounds surprised
Like they weren't convinced that you'd exist
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
What the fuck are they?
Landlines
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5. |
#DontDrinkBleach
01:00
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There are no easy answers
It's fine to be expectant
Please don't inject yourself with disinfectant
The news can be deceiving
Especially for skeptics
But don't inject yourself with antiseptic
Sometimes there's no solution
At least not presently
But if you drink bleach you'll die unpleasantly
Follow advice from experts
Don't inject germicide
Telling you otherwise is basic genocide
The future is uncertain
You can be unexpectant
Please don't inject yourself with disinfectant
Please don't listen to the people who don't know what they're talking about
You go to a dentist to treat your teeth
You don't just pull them out
Please don't inject disinfectant
Don't drink bleach
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6. |
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A dog
Woof
Barking at another dog
A dog
Woof Woof
Barking at another dog
A dog
Woof
Barking at another dog
A dog
Woof Woof
Barking at another dog
A cat
Meow
Meowing at another cat
A cat
Meow Meow
Meowing at another cat
A pig
Oink
Oinking at another pig
A pig
Oink Oink
Oinking at another pig
A bird
Tweet
Tweeting at another bird
A bird
Tweet tweet
Tweeting at another bird
A man
Hi
Waving at another man
A man
Hi hi
Waving at another man
A gran
Ooh
Chatting to another gran
A gran
Ooh ooh
Chatting to another gran
Netflix
Asking if you're still watching
Netflix
Asking if you're still watching
Your boss
You're fired
Cutting short your cash supply
Your boss
You're fired
Cutting short your cash supply
The doc
I'm sorry
Telling you the bad news
The doc
I'm sorry
Telling you the bad news
A priest
Amen
Absolving you of your sins
A priest
Amen
Absolving you of your sins
A coffin lowering into the grave
A coffin lowering into the grave
A coffin lowering into the grave
A coffin lowering into the grave
A dog, loneliness without you there
A dog, loneliness without you there
A dog, loneliness without you there
A dog, loneliness without you there
A dog, loneliness without you there
A dog, loneliness without you there
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7. |
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Lorraine Kelly won a court case to prove she wasn't her
But simply a persona, simply a persona
Lorraine Kelly is just an act
A revision of how she perceives herself
Simply a persona, simply a persona
A public facing variation
A public facing variation
The you you are on social media
Is as you as the you you aren't
And the you you are on telly's not the real you, Lorraine Kelly
The you you are at work
And the you you are with friends
This you is not forever, but the real you never ends
The you you are today
Is not the you you'll be tomorrow
A lifelong Machiavelli, we are all a Lorraine Kelly
The you you are with lovers
And the you you are alone
You simply do not know who you are
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8. |
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I forced my dad to dig his own grave
But he found treasure
Should he be obliged to share it?
So technically it's mine
I handed him the shovel
And I pointed out the spot
Well, he could've dug anywhere
If you're talking about who found it
Well, half that treasure's mine
We're related so when he's gone
All of that treasure's mine
All that gold
All that bullion
All that jewellery
That's the price genes pay
And well I guess
It was me who forced my dad to dig his own grave
I didn't think he'd find treasure
Well, you know I could just take it all
But I'm not suggesting that
So I've called up a lawyer
It's a 50/50 split
And that's legally binding
If you're talking about who found it
Well, half that treasure's mine
We're related so when he's gone
All of that treasure's mine
All those savings
All those assets
Everything he's left untethered
That's the price genes pay
That's the family way
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9. |
Orgy Crisps
01:41
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My god, it's an appetizer
And the sweaty lip is in no way appealing
How far, how far, how far, how far
Does the skirting board go down into the carpet?
You meet so many people
Why can't you forget them all?
So many hands have touched the orgy crisps
So many hands have been in this bowl
My god is an appetizer
And the carpet's crushed from a million knees
How much, how much, how much more
Time will it take to heat the oven for my head?
Faces indeterminable
Why can't you forget everything?
So many hands have touched the orgy crisps
So many hands have been in this bowl
So many hands have touched the orgy crisps
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10. |
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It's Christmas time and a cold wind appears
The snow isn't falling down
Because the Earth is misbehaving
Humans are not worth saving
And it breaks my heart in two to know it's down to you
Humans are not worth saving
And it breaks my heart in two to know it's down to you
Resurrected annually to highlight wealth inequality
Humans are not worth saving
Merry Christmas, please let me die
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11. |
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Let go of your dreams
They're holding you back from being the best at admin
Let go of your dreams
If you wanna pay the rent, cos that's the goal
it's not something you control, but
You could be the greatest employee
For your company if you wanna be
You could be a vital necessity
Oh, if you want to
Oh, if you want to
Let go of your dreams
They're holding you back from achieving a gradual increase
Of your income annually, but
You could be the greatest employee
For your company if you wanna be
You could be a vital necessity
Oh, if you want to
Oh, if you want to
Let go of your dreams
Dreams that are unfulfilled just leave tumours in your body
Is it not better to abandon them than to live with a torso full of painful stalactites?
Just think how many spreadsheets you could be getting through!
Let go of your dreams
They're holding you back
Every cog is very valuable
It's just every cog is replaceable
You could be the greatest employee
For your company if you wanna be
You could be a vital necessity
Oh, if you want to
Oh, if you want to
Let go of your dreams
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12. |
Puppet Show
00:54
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Today is Monday
It is a sunny day
Michael and Anthony went to a puppet show
Today is Tuesday
It is a cloudy day
The deceit was unspoken but its existence legitimised it
I don't know where it came from
That shared subconscious
I don't know where it came from
Neither of us had discussed it
I don't know where it came from
Trying to will it into reality
When actually we'd just watched a friend of ours fall off a wall
Today is Wednesday
it is a rainy day
The fact of the matter is there was no puppet show
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13. |
These Things Will Pass
02:02
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The fear of things you can't control at all
The sense of dread that comes before a fall
These things won't last, these things will pass
The coughs you've felt and withheld in Lidl
The excesses you embrace and nothing in the middle
These things won't last, these things will pass
The four or five seconds you steal back
When you wake up in the morning, for a moment you've forgotten
These things won't last, these things will pass
The you you lost, the doors that stop you breathing
The dedication to your bed, the motivation to do nothing
These things won't last, these things will pass
The perception of time moving on without you
The cities are alive if you look at them on Google
These things won't last, these things will pass
The sleep you've lost, your unrecognisable reflection
It turns out that you're just not that interesting
These things won't last, these things will pass
And you can feel the weight of it
The linear is comforting
But you're safe like bacteria on the backs, on the backs of your hands
You can feel, you can feel
The protection of the vulnerable, the beauty of applause
The rainbows in the windows, everything is paused
The celebration of the workers, the crassness of the blame
The money comes from nowhere, things will never be the same
You know that these things won't last
These things will pass
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14. |
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A man being held up at gunpoint by a shadow
A boy with a mullet shooting a crossbow
Stock images, stock images, woo woo
An affable guy texting while he's buried in sand
A topless prick besotted by the turkey in his hand
Stock images, stock images, woo woo
And don't forget this bleak representation of anger
Shutterstock n roll
Shutterstock has everything you need and everything you don't
Shutterstock is brilliant
Please don't sue me tonight
Someone plays the flute in the city on his back
Overacted footage of people having heart attacks
Shutterstock
A woman at the fridge being coquettish with the fruit
And ???????
Stock images, stock images, woo woo
And don't forget the feet of a man taking a shit
Shutterstock n roll
Shutterstock has everything you need and everything you don't
Shutterstock is brilliant
Please don't sue me tonight
In what possible circumstance is footage required which shows a baby with an oversized head on a digital glitch?
Shutterstock n roll
Shutterstock n roll
Shutterstock has everything you need and everything you don't
Shutterstock is brilliant
Please don't sue me
Shutterstock's fantastic
Please don't sue me
It's still got the watermark
Please don't sue me tonight
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15. |
Jason Statham, Et Al
03:37
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Jason Statham, et al
Is it possible for you to speak in a less aggressive tone?
Dave Bautista, et al
It must be difficult to reach the small of your back
The correlation between muscles and manhood
Is a toxic little thing I've been unlearning
How aggression is an indicator of your worth
And being strong is physical
Channing Tatum, et al
It must be impossible to delicately handle anything
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, et al
There's actually a delicacy about you that's quite endearing
The correlation between muscles and manhood
Is a toxic little thing I've been unlearning
The reason that I'm not buff is that it exemplifies a stereotype of masculinity
And not just because I'm lazy
I don't mean to undermine your cosmetic choices
In fact I'm in awe at you absolute units
It's just that with bulging flesh comes a privilege I will never understand
I need someone to grab my hand
But that seems like too much effort
If this is men, I refuse to be a man
My body doesn't mold that way, I'm just too lazy
Now that's what I call disappointment
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